Best political insults

Before we start

Where are the Donald Trump insults?

Donald Trump has made insults the organising principle of his political career. So why are there no Trump insults listed below? Because we’ve put together a whole collection in honour of The Donald.

The funniest Trump insults (so far)

Politicians as a species

We start our compendium of the best political insults ever with those people at the very heart of the process.

Ninety percent of politicians give the other ten percent a bad name.

Henry Kissinger

Politicians are like nappies. They should be changed regularly. And for the same reason.

Patrick Murray

Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs.

P.J. O’Rourke

The mistake a lot of politicians make is forgetting they’ve been appointed, and thinking they’ve been anointed.

Mildred Pepper

The reason there are so few female politicians is that it is too much trouble to put make-up on two faces.

Maureen Murphy

The typical British MP stands for election, sits in the house and lies just about all the time.

Winston Churchill

An ermine-lined dustbin, an up-market geriatric home with a faint smell of urine.

Austin Mitchell on The House of Lords

Congressmen are so damn dumb, they could throw themselves on the ground and miss.

James A. Traficant Jr

When they call the roll in the senate, the senators do not know whether to answer “present” or “not guilty”.

Theodore Roosevelt

The senators of the United States have no use for their heads, except to serve as a knot to keep their bodies from unravelling. 

Woodrow Wilson

The practice of politics

Not everyone considers politics a noble enterprise, as you can see from the next set of insults.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble; finding it everywhere, diagnosing it wrongly, and applying unsuitable remedies. 

Ernest Benn

Politics, noun. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.

Ambrose Bierce

It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.

Andy Borowitz

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.

Oscar Ameringer

The worship of jackals by jackasses.

H.L. Mencken on democracy

The political divide

The great divides of ideology, class and party are at the heart of many of the best political insults.

Under capitalism man exploits man. Under communism it’s just the opposite.

J.K. Galbraith

A class system is something you use to discriminate against someone who looks like you.

Reginald D. Hunter

We who are liberal and progressive know that the poor are our equals in every sense except that of being equal to us.

Lionel Trilling

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid. But most stupid people are Conservatives.

John Stuart Mill

War and peace

Politics is often a war of words. Sadly it’s also often war itself. To paraphrase Carl von Clausewitz, war is merely the continuation of political insults by other means.

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. 

Mary Louise Cecilia “Texas” Guinan

Well, he seemed such a nice old gentleman I thought I would give him my autograph as a souvenir.

Adolf Hitler on Neville Chamberlain

My dear McClellan, If you don’t want to use the army, I should like to borrow it for a while, Yours respectfully, A. Lincoln.

Abraham Lincoln to General George B. McClellan

It’s not a piece of rhetoric, not a metaphor. It’s a job description.

Christopher Hitchens on the claim Henry Kissinger was a war criminal.

When Kissinger can get the Nobel Peace Prize, what is there left for satire?

Tom Lehrer on Henry Kissinger

People say that you don’t care
But you’ve got nicer legs than Hitler
And bigger tits than Cher.

Monty Python on Henry Kissinger

The classical political insult

Political insults are as old as politics itself. Here are some ancient Greek and Roman examples.

Pericles: When I was your age, Alcibiades, I talked just the way you are now talking.
Alcibiades: If only I had known you, Pericles, when you were at your best.

Alcibiades

Demosthenes: The Athenians will kill you some day when they are mad with rage.
Phocion: And you, when they are in their senses.

Phocion

If you succeed, put in a word for us Romans too.

Cicero to an envoy who was entreating Caesar to set his city free 

Winston Churchill’s political insults

Churchill was famous for his witty insults, political and otherwise. Here are some of the former.

He occasionally stumbled over the truth, but hastily picked himself up and carried on as if nothing had happened.

Winston Churchill on Stanley Baldwin

There but for the grace of God goes God.

Winston Churchill on Stafford Cripps

Dull, Duller, Dulles

Winston Churchill on John Foster Dulles

A sheep in sheep’s clothing.

Winston Churchill on Clement Attlee

A modest little man with much to be modest about.

Winston Churchill on Clement Attlee

Nancy Astor: If you were my husband, I’d poison your coffee.
Winston Churchill: Madam, if you were my wife, I’d drink it.

Winston Churchill

Winston Churchill on the receiving end

Political insults tend to go both ways, and Winston didn’t escape the ire of his opponents or, indeed, his colleagues.

He would make a drum out of the skin of his mother in order to sound his own praises.

Lloyd George on Winston Churchill

Begotten of froth out of foam.

Herbert Asquith on Winston Churchill

Winston had devoted the best years of his life to preparing his impromptu speeches.

F.E. Smith on Winston Churchill

Pithy political putdowns of Lyndon B. Johnson

Lyndon Johnson’s best political insults had a certain earthiness to them. 

Jerry Ford is so dumb that he can’t fart and chew gum at the same time.

Lyndon Johnson on Gerald Ford

Jerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his helmet off.

Lyndon Johnson on Gerald Ford

They couldn’t pour piss out of a shoe if the instructions were written on the heel.

Lyndon Johnson on The Association of American States

I want people around me who would kiss my ass on a hot summer’s day and say it smells like roses. 

Lyndon Johnson on his taste in toadies

Taunting Tony Blair

Many of the best political insults that attached themselves to Tony Blair point to an inauthentic man who provoked authentic dislike.

Tony Blair is an out-and-out rascal, terminally untrustworthy and close to being unhinged. I said from the start that there was something wrong in his head, and each passing year convinces me more strongly that this man is a pathological confidence-trickster. To the extent that he even believes what he says, he is delusional. To the extent that he does not, he is an actor whose first invention — himself — has been his only interesting role.

Matthew Parris

The trouble with Tony is that he always believes what he is saying when he is saying it.

Paddy Ashdown

He was the future, once…

David Cameron on Tony Blair

It feels like he left a long time ago, leaving this Tony Blair shaped hole that carries on talking.

Will Self

The air guitarist of political rhetoric.

Will Self

Bashing the Bushes

The political dynasty of George and George W. both attracted their own fair share of insults.

Has the look about him of someone who might sit up and yip for a Dog Yummie.

Mike Royko on George Bush

George Bush’s problem is that the clothes have no emperor.

Anne Quindlen

Poor George, he can’t help it – he was born with a silver foot in his mouth.

Ann Richards on George W. Bush

The party of Lincoln and Liberty was transmogrified into the party of hairy-backed swamp developers and corporate shills, faith-based economists, fundamentalist bullies with Bibles, Christians of convenience, freelance racists, misanthropic frat boys, shrieking midgets of AM radio, tax cheats, nihilists in golf pants, brownshirts in pinstripes, sweatshop tycoons, hacks, fakirs, aggressive dorks, Lamborghini libertarians, people who believe Neil Armstrong’s moonwalk was filmed in Roswell, New Mexico, little honkers out to diminish the rest of us, Newt’s evil spawn and their Etch-A-Sketch president, a dull and rigid man suspicious of the free flow of information and of secular institutions, whose philosophy is a jumble of badly sutured body parts trying to walk.

Garrison Keillor on George W. Bush and the Republican Party

Ribbing Ronald Reagan

Here are a few times people had a go at The Gipper. 

In the heat of a political lifetime, Ronald Reagan innocently squirrels away tidbits of misinformation and then, sometimes years later, casually drops them into his public discourse, like gumballs in a quiche.

Lucy Howard

A triumph of the embalmer’s art.

Gore Vidal

Dan Quayle is more stupid than Ronald Reagan put together.

Matt Groening

I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.

Ronald Reagan on his own dedication to duty

Political ripostes

The cut and thrust of debate has produced some of history’s best political insults quotes.

John Montagu, Earl of Sandwich: Sir, I do not know whether you will die on the gallows or of the pox.
John Wilkes: That depends, my lord, on whether I embrace your lordship’s principles or your mistress.

John Wilkes

Senator Chauncey Depew (eyeing President Taft’s paunch): I hope, if it is a girl, Mr. Taft will name it for his charming wife.
William Taft: If it is a girl, I shall of course name it for my lovely helpmate of many years. And if it is a boy, I shall claim the father’s prerogative and name it Junior. But if, as I suspect, it is only a bag of wind, I shall name it Chauncey Depew.

William Taft

Tom Sheridan: When I get into Parliament I will pledge myself to no party, but write on my forehead in legible characters, “To Be Let”.
Richard Sheridan: And under it, Tom, write “Unfurnished.”

Richard Sheridan to his son

Henry Clay: I, sir, do not step aside for a scoundrel.
John Randolph: On the other hand, I always do.

John Randolph

Not while I’m alive ‘e ain’t.

Ernest Bevin on being told Aneurin Bevan was his own worst enemy

Honestly, if I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Abraham Lincoln when Senator Stephen Douglas called him two-faced.

You’re on CNN. The show that leads into me is puppets making crank phone calls. What is wrong with you?

Jon Stewart after Tucker Carlson criticised The Late Show for not being impartial

Hecklers, catcalls and political insults on the campaign trail

When politicians come up against the people they serve, the results can be very  funny.

Heckler: Go ahead Al, tell ’em all you know, it won’t take you long.
Al Smith: If I tell ’em all we both know it won’t take me any longer.

Al Smith to a heckler

Heckler: Don’t you wish you were a man?
Agnes McPhail: Yes, don’t you?

Agnes McPhail to a heckler

Heckler: I’d rather vote for the devil.
John Wilkes: And if your friend decides against standing, can I count on your vote?

John Wilkes to a heckler

Heckler: I am a Democrat.
Theodore Roosevelt: May I ask the gentleman why he is a Democrat?
Heckler: My grandfather was a Democrat. My father was a Democrat. And I am a Democrat.
Theodore Roosevelt: And suppose that your father had been a jackass, and his father had been a jackass. What would you be?”
Heckler: A Republican.

Heckler to Theodore Roosevelt

Let’s go, Brandon.

Hecklers’ code for Fuck Joe Biden, adopted after a reporter misreported
a chanting crowd at a NASCAR race won by Brandon Brown and attended by Joe Biden

Insulting the insipid

Among the worst political insults are those painting a politician as boring or bland. The uninteresting is probably unseen, the unseen is probably unelected.

How can they tell?

Dorothy Parker on being told Calvin Coolidge had died

It is a reminder that Morning Cloud’s skipper is no stranger to platitude and longitude.

Christopher Wordsworth on Edward Heath and his book on sailing

A C3PO made of ham.

Ed Miliband on David Cameron

His speeches left the impression of an army of pompous phrases moving over the landscape in search of an idea; sometimes these meandering words would actually capture a straggling thought and bear it triumphantly as a prisoner in their midst, until it died of servitude and overwork.

William McAdoo on Warren Harding

If you weren’t such a great man you’d be a terrible bore.

Mrs. Gladstone on her husband William Ewart Gladstone

He has not a single redeeming defect.

Benjamin Disraeli on William Ewart Gladstone

A sophistical rhetorician, inebriated with the exuberance of his own verbosity, and gifted with an egotistical imagination, that can at all times command an interminable and inconsistent series of arguments, malign an opponent and glorify himself.

Benjamin Disraeli on William Ewart Gladstone

One could not even dignify him with the name of a stuffed shirt. He was simply a hole in the air.

George Orwell on Stanley Baldwin

He is going around the country stirring up apathy.

William Whitelaw on Harold MacMillan

A victim of the use of water as a beverage.

Sam Houston on James K. Polk

Like being savaged by a dead sheep.

Denis Healy on Geoffrey Howe

Comic relief

Comics and late night hosts have been known to very occasionally make politicians the butt of their jokes. Here’s a small selection.

He’s so fucking crooked he sleeps on a spiral staircase. So thoroughly corrupt, every time he smiles an angel gets gonorrhoea. He’s had so many face-lifts, his face has moved to the top of his head. You have to get on a step-ladder to watch him lie.

Dylan Moran on Silvio Berlusconi

Washington could not tell a lie; Nixon could not tell the truth; Reagan cannot tell the difference.

Mort Sahl

To have not shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak.

Jon Stewart after Dick Cheney shot a hunting buddy

If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us.

Jon Stewart puts the geology in geopolitics

If the events of September 11, 2001 have proven anything, it’s that the terrorists can attack us, but they can’t take away what makes us American – our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.

Jon Stewart

President Obama is apparently interested in owning an NBA team after he leaves office. You’ll know it’s Obama’s team when they travel too much and never pass anything.

Jimmy Fallon

Poison pens

Here’s a collection of political insult quotes from famous writers.

A typical triumph of modern science to find the only part of Randolph that is not malignant and remove it.

Evelyn Waugh after hearing that Randolph Churchill’s surgery showed a tumour was benign

As with the Christian religion, the worst advertisement for Socialism is its adherents.

George Orwell on Socialists (and Christians)

When he does smile, he looks as if he’s just evicted a widow.

Mike Royko on Bob Dole

Clinton is a man who thinks international affairs is dating a girl out of town.

Tom Clancy on Bill Clinton

Looks and sounds not unlike Hitler – but without the charm.

Gore Vidal on William F. Buckley Jr

People always ask me the same question, they say, ‘Is Boris a very very clever man pretending to be an idiot?’ And I always say, ‘No.’.

Ian Hislop on Boris Johnson

Political disses from down under

Here’s our pick of the best political insults from Australia and New Zealand.

He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.

Paul Keating on John Hewson

Like being flogged with a warm lettuce.

Paul Keating on John Hewson

He is the cutlery man of Australian politics. He was born with a silver spoon in his mouth, speaks with a forked tongue, and knifes his colleagues in the back.

Bob Hawke on Malcolm Fraser

After a very long year we’ve got a very short knight.

David Lange after the dumpy Robert Muldoon was knighted

His brains could revolve inside a peanut shell for a thousand years without touching the sides.

Frank Langstone on Ronald Algie 

Getting personal

Whether or not the personal is political, the best political insults often tend to the personal.

He is just about the nastiest little man I’ve ever known. He struts sitting down.

Lillian Dykstra on Thomas E. Dewey

The Hon. Member disagrees. I can hear him shaking his head.

Pierre Trudeau

Attila the Hen

Clement Freud on Margaret Thatcher

There is something of the night about him.

Ann Widdecombe on Michael Howard

She tells enough white lies to ice a wedding cake.

Margot Asquith on Lady Desborough

He’s a self-made man, and worships his creator.

Benjamin Disraeli on John Bright

When they circumcised Herbert Samuel they threw away the wrong bit.

David Lloyd George on Herbert Samuel

He is like trying to pick up mercury with a fork.

David Lloyd George on Eamon de Valera

From Lord Hailsham we have had a virtuoso performance in the art of kicking a fallen friend in the guts. When self-indulgence has reduced a man to the shape of Lord Hailsham, sexual continence involves no more than a sense of the ridiculous.

Reginald Paget

What do you do if you’re in a room with Muammar Qaddafi, Saddam Hussein, and John Sununu, and you have a gun with only two bullets? Shoot Sununu twice.

Michael Dukakis on John Sununu

The kind of politician who would cut down a redwood tree and then mount the stump to make a speech for conservation.

Adlai Stevenson on Richard Nixon

He thinks that Roe v. Wade are two ways across the Potomac.

Pat Schroeder on Dan Quayle

I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

Ebenezer Rockwood Hoar on Wendell Phillips

My opponent can compress the most words into the fewest ideas of anyone I’ve met.

Abraham Lincoln on Robert S. Blackwell

His attachment to those of his friends whom he could make useful to himself was thoroughgoing and exemplary.

John Quincey Adams on Thomas Jefferson

You and I were long friends; you are now my enemy, and I am
Yours, B Franklin.

Benjamin Franklin to William Strahan

A public service?

The current Wikipedia page on political insults seems rather scanty. If you feel any of the insult quotes we’ve collected here deserve a mention there, why not add them. The Wikiverse will thank you.